TaintedSong » Personal

See you soon, old man.

Joni — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 04:56:34 +0000

If you’re following the TV series, LOST, there’s no doubt you know who John Locke is. John Locke’s background is a sad one, which is why every time they feature his story in an episode my heart really goes out to him. I was even close to tears when he died in the series (but then he came back to life so yay). But why, do you ask, am I so affected by this John Locke character? The truth is, he reminds me of my father.

Obviously, Papa is not Caucasian – duh. I can’t explain what it is exactly but I find the lines, creases, and scruffy facial hair on John Locke’s face similar to Papa’s. They kinda have the same smile, too. I’m guessing they’re around the same age (mid 50s).

LOST is now back in circulation for the 6th and final season which means I’m gonna see more of John Locke. With that I can at least imagine my father walking and talking again. Hee. Creepy, huh.

It’s Papa’s first death anniversary today. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 365 days that he’s been away from us. Mama and I usually talk about how it feels like Papa is just away on vacation in Bacolod and that we’re waiting for him to come back any day now. I guess that’s our way of coping, but it doesn’t necessarily help us move forward. I trust that time will.

I still believe with all my heart that I’m gonna see him again.

See you soon, old man.

A Pack Rat No More

Joni — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:22:57 +0000

I used to be some kind of a pack rat growing up, always insisting to keep things that have “sentimental value” even though I know I won’t find them necessary in the future. I would always think, “If I keep this item now, someday I’m gonna want to recall memories I’ve forgotten that are associated with it.” By the age of 21, I have collected lots of shoe boxes housing memorabilia and other miscellaneous stuff. You want thingamabobs? I’ve got twenty!

But when your life suddenly takes a turn (one that may involve leaving the house you grew up in and moving to a whole other island) you find yourself in a situation wherein you have to choose to either let go of the useless junk or take them with you. In my case, I let it all go. Because even in letting go of the useless junk, it somehow teaches you how to move on.

When I moved permanently to Manila, I’ve managed to hoard a whole new set of worthless crap. Because, really, old habits die hard. After a certain period of time, I again found myself stuck with too many unnecessary things (boxes, papers, clothes with stains or rips, worn-out shoes and slippers, old bags, hair clips, ribbons, paper bags, bottles of old lotion and cologne, receipts, containers of different sizes, key chains, jewelry boxes, scrunchies that have lost their elasticity, USB cables, incomplete set of crayons, pens with no ink, etc.) that I can’t seem to let go and are only causing clutter in my little world. I’ve moved apartments six times in the last four years, and every time I move, I always accumulate junk in boxes that I need to throw or give away. Disposing of these objects is kind of symbolic, you see. Saying goodbye to the old ways, and welcoming the new. I figured that if I don’t do it, I’m never gonna be able to declutter my life. Yes, my life. Because having a messy bedroom says a lot about a person! Lol.

Not that I’m not messy now. I still am. My apartment is a haven of disorderliness but I think I’m doing a whole lot better than before. And I have an easier time disposing of things now.

In fact, I sold two mobile phones this week that I no longer use. Before, this would be something that will stress me out because I hate letting go of personal things. But today it’s easier for me to do so. I don’t even have problems with the idea of selling my iPod Touch that’s only 7 months old.

I know that I’m just putting too much drama in this (haha), but I guess my point is, sometimes we reach a point wherein we feel that we’re actually stepping up one level in the maturity ladder while minimizing sentimentality a bit. More importantly, we are able to decide that we no longer want to be held back by our fear of losing personal possessions. If we can move on from little things, it won’t be long until we can move on from bigger things, in some cases, from people who were previously part of our lives.

Pre-Sleep Ritual and Movies

Joni — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 07:18:32 +0000

Since the start of this year, I’ve developed the habit of watching movies or TV series every night to get myself to fall asleep. I think this habit started around the time I wrote this entry which is during a very low point in my life. Prior to that, I won’t be able to sleep knowing my laptop is still on. My mind would be screaming “Think of your electric bill!” or “MBP charger may get fried again, warranty had lapsed!” until I do something about it. Today I usually just let my FRIENDS DVD (which I’ve already seen countless times) play in the background while I’m asleep — I just turn it off in the morning time.

I’ve figured out the reason behind this: I want to hear sounds before falling asleep and while I’m asleep. Strangely I prefer the sound of people talking than music. If I do not do this “ritual” I catch myself thinking about many things that bother me and in the process, these thoughts prevent me from falling asleep easily. Unless I’m too tired to think, this is what I do every night to make sure I get a good night’s rest. Especially now that I’m all alone in a small apartment. You don’t want to hear creepy noises when you’re by yourself too, do you?

From 11:00pm onwards, after I’m done working on my freelance projects, I always watch a movie or two. I don’t know why that is but I’m really more into films and TV series than listening to music (I’m so outdated I’ve only heard of “Nine Inch Nails” when I learned about their upcoming concert here in Manila). The main reason I bought that external hard drive was so I can have something to store all my movie files in. And I know it’s not the noblest thing to do, but I download movies everyday so I have something to watch at night (you might say that I’m abusing my laptop, yes). I’m not even referring to movies that had just been released but old ones.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been brainstorming for movie titles to add to my collection. These are movies that I’ve seen years ago and would love to see again. Most of these are Rom-Com, cos I’m simply a sucker for that. Here are my recommendations in no particular order:

Bedazzled
Blast From The Past
Fools Rush In
The Whole Nine Yards
The Whole Ten Yards
The Terminal
If Only
Serendipity
A Beautiful Mind
There’s Something About Mary
A Cinderella Story
The Kid
Anger Management
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Coyote Ugly

… among others! Aren’t sappy old movies the best? Currently enjoying the TV series “Chuck”, too. I’d love to know your recommendations. =)

If I Could Go Back, I Would

Joni — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 19:06:16 +0000

In my list of 10 Simple Joys that I wrote last year, I mentioned that I was deciding on a nice anniversary gift for my parents. The anniversary gift that I was thinking of getting them then was to take them to either Singapore or Hong Kong. This was supposed to be for July 2008 because July was both their birth month and their wedding month. I was psyched about this plan since it would be Papa and Mama’s first time to fly out of the country and I knew it would really make them happy. I was leaning toward bringing them to Hong Kong because I knew my dad would love to be in a place closest to Mainland China at least so he could try authentic Chinese food (My dad has this weird fascination with anything Chinese although he’s only 25% of it, lol), while my mom would love to do some bargain shopping.

But for some reason, I discarded this plan. Maybe I was thinking about how much the trip would cost me especially during a time that I was saving for the rainy days. True enough, the “rainy days” began the day my dad was brought to the hospital last year. I could keep telling myself now that not pushing through with the trip was a good move because of all the unexpected expenses that came pouring in, but I can’t help feeling sad and regretful. I should have pushed through with the plan! It would have been a memorable experience not only for Papa, but for Mama and I. Never mind how much it would have cost, money can always be obtained.

But I just let the chance pass, didn’t I? I only have myself to blame.

During that trip to Hong Kong with Mae last month, I kept thinking about Papa and how much he would have enjoyed exploring the city. Everywhere we went, I’d imagine his joyful reaction to everything. I got sentimental the most when we dined at a real Chinese restaurant in Temple Street to try out real Chinese food. I’m positive my dad would have loved it!

Today is Papa’s 55th birthday. I miss him everyday. If I could go back to last year and make his 54th birthday more special, I would. But I know he wouldn’t be happy to know that I’ve been feeling this way since he left. There really is no use crying over spilled milk, but what happened has taught me to embrace opportunities as they come.

Chances are so hard to come by and the second one is impossible to find.

© Joni for TaintedSong, 2009. | Permalink | 14 comments | Leave a comment
Word count: 437 | Filed under: News, Events, Occasions, Personal

Both Sides Now

Joni — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 17:22:13 +0000

One of the things I seldom do now that I’m caught up in this “corporate world” is see my family. I get to spend time with relatives in Pampanga (where my mom is from) 1-2 times a month, while I see and talk with relatives in Bacolod (where my dad is from) 1-2 times a year. So imagine how happy I was that for two consecutive weekends, I got to bond with cousins on both sides of the family!

My cousin, Tata, who traveled all the way from Virginia, was here two weeks ago for the pamamanhikan they did in Pangasinan. He’s marrying his fiancee on 10/10/2010. His brother, Siote, flew in from Bacolod to spend time with Tata and their mom. In their very short stay in Manila, we took them to Bonifacio High Street, SM Mall of Asia, Tagaytay, and Wensha Spa. Funny trivia: My two brothers, Tata, and Siote were my only playmates back in the days. It’s not a mystery how I turned out this way!

The next weekend, the Manabat Family went to Fontana for an overnight stay before my uncle goes back to the Middle East. The sun was not shining then but I still got the tan lines! Love it.

My niece and godchild, Gracielle, is just the cutest! For a kid who’s just a year old, she’d pose for the camera every time you point it at her. She’s very sweet and she hardly ever cries. I wish my kid would be just like her! Read: not a brat.

Did you notice? My little cousins, nephews and nieces could easily be mistaken as my kids! I’m so old.

Untitled

Joni — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 19:14:23 +0000

During the short time my dad was battling cancer and when he finally succumbed to it, I kept getting comments from friends on how they admire me for handling the situation really well. Some of them even said that they would be in a worse state than I was if they were in my shoes. They say this because when they came to visit my Dad in the hospital, and some others at the wake, they didn’t seem to find any trace of sadness in my face. They find it odd that I look “okay” while I explain to them Papa’s case as though I’m not affected by it.

But the truth is, I was (I am) extremely affected by it. I was just happy to see friends who came to extend their condolences that I was more concerned with showing them how much I appreciate them than making them feel uncomfortable. I’m not one to go hysterical in front of people so when I faced my friends at the hospital and at the funeral, I had to be strong and put on a smile. A friend of mine almost didn’t speak to me because she didn’t know what to say. I just told her that I understood, there’s no need to worry.

The truth is, I can no longer count the times I’ve cried over my Dad. But let me try:

I cried in the hospital that day in December when the doctor broke the news that Papa has stage 4 cancer. I cried when he was discharged from the hospital the next day and that night when I kept myself up because I wanted to watch over him while he slept. I cried while I was surfing the web reading articles about Lung Cancer and how to combat it. I cried whenever I saw him throw up the food he ate or when he had to hold on to the wall, the table, the fridge or anything solid because his headache was too intense he would fall over if he didn’t hold on to something. I cried during those times he would not eat due to lack of appetite and because he was too weak to get up. I cried on Christmas eve and Christmas day because I feared it would be our last Christmas together. I cried that night when he lost consciousness and we had to rush him to the hospital again. I cried the next night and kept whispering his name while I was forcing myself to go to sleep. I cried in the hospital when I saw him opening his eyes yet he didn’t recognize me. I cried when he finally regained consciousness and tried to say my name. At this point, I tried to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. That I love him so much, that I will miss him, that I will do my best to make him proud, that I will see him someday. I cried that day when he couldn’t open his eyes anymore. I cried a few times at my brother’s wedding because I kept thinking about him and Mama who would have wanted to be there. I cried on January 29 when I whispered to him that it was my birthday. In the morning of February 5, while I was watching over him in the hospital by myself, I cried when the doctor informed me his blood pressure had dropped to 70/40 and that “it’s not looking good”. I cried when a few minutes later I glanced his way to discover that he had stopped breathing. I cried when the nurse touched my arm and told me she was sorry for my loss. I cried when my brother came just before they took his body away. I cried when I saw Papa’s body in a gurney wrapped in white blanket. It’s a scene I only see in movies and TV shows. I cried when I saw his casket from afar the first time, and even more when I saw him in it. I cried when the boyfriend cried because he felt like he also lost a Dad. I cried that time we all flew to Bacolod City — me, my mom, and my brother were in the plane’s cabin while my Dad’s remains was in the cargo area. I cried when I delivered a brief eulogy before his burial. I cried during the burial. I cried the first day I went back to work when I realized I had to do move on with life and make things go back to “normal” (only, it will never be the same). I cry every now and again, especially at night or when I see his pictures and read his text messages on my phone.

I’m crying right now as I’m typing this.

It’s been a month since my Dad died, and yes, I know this post is late. Maybe you’re wondering about how I’m able to blog about trivial things (like broadband dongles and weddings) yet I can’t even blog about a major happening in my life such as my Dad’s passing. The truth is, there is no easy way to put everything that has happened into writing. It’s pain I could never have imagined. At least I was able to write this entry, huh? But look, I can’t even come up with an appropriate post title!

What triggered me to finally write this post is when I learned about FrancisM’s death. He was only 44 years old! I am not really a fan of his but I am bothered by his early death. The “age” at which people die matters to me a lot these days. For one, I find it unfair that my Dad was only 54 years old when he died, while other Dads reach up to age 70, 80, or even 90.

But in the eulogy I gave during my Dad’s funeral in Bacolod I told everyone that I look at my Dad’s death in two ways. One, that I just lost a father. This is the selfish side of me obsessing about what I am missing and would be missing now that he’s gone. He was a lifetime’s worth of memories cut short and now all I would be adding to that are “what could have been’s”.

And two, my Dad is now free from the cruel hands of cancer and he is now in a better place where he’s having the time of his, er, after-life. Hee. I always try to think of number two.

This is my attempt to write about how painful my father’s death was. But, really, this still does not justify it. My heart goes out to the children of the late FrancisM…

My 25th Birthday

Joni — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 21:23:37 +0000

I notice that every year birthdays become less and less special. However, this really isn’t something to be sad about, it’s just part of growing up. My 25th birthday the other day (January 29th) was nothing out of the ordinary. I practically spent the whole day in the office! So, what I did was I got myself a “toy” to make the day a little bit memorable:

Tada! A SUN mobile broadband. It was Mae who introduced this to me last December, and so after I got my Globelines account terminated, I went straight to a SUN Shop, demoed a unit, signed up for an account, then took it home with me (yeah, I’m that impulsive). The SUN people told me it would take less than 24 hours to get activated, but that didn’t happen. It finally started working a few hours ago while Mae and I were at Riz’s place. This was 32 hours later.

The connection? So far, so good! But I’m keeping my fingers crossed cos we all know how crappy Sun Cellular’s signal can get, which is not far from happening with their 3G or broadband service too. But at least I’m not stuck in their 24 months lock-in period since I opted to pay for the dongle in full (P2,500). Monthly unlimited use is P799.

I appreciate Riz and Mae for “celebrating” my birthday with me last night (I don’t mind that it’s one day late). Thanks for surprising me with a slice of cake + candle! :P

Past birthdays: 21, 22, 23, 24. (Ugh, I’m old).

© Joni for TaintedSong, 2009. | Permalink | 17 comments | Leave a comment
Word count: 261 | Filed under: Computer/Gadgets, Personal

Greetings from Ward #18

Joni — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 18:41:48 +0000

The feeling I have sitting here beside my dad’s hospital bed at 1:23 in the morning, just watching him stare into space, is oddly unsettling. So I open my laptop to write this post..

To those who don’t know — my dad was rushed to the hospital again two Sundays ago (I’ll save the details of that traumatic day). From a private room here in Makati Medical Center, we had to move him to the ward three days ago because our hospital bill is getting higher by the minute. Needless to say, we can no longer afford it. But help is on its way!

Looking at the bright side, though, at least our case isn’t as bad as the other patients here in the ward (which is my second home these days). There are patients here who have undergone surgery and have been staying here for more than two months. Their hospital bills have gone up to 1.4M (and is still increasing everyday), can you believe it? The patients’ relatives are looking everywhere for financial aid. This reminds me of President Obama’s major concern for the health care system in the United States. Our country’s own health care system desperately needs fixing too. PhilHealth simply isn’t enough.

My brother also got my parents health care benefits at the company he works for but that too wasn’t sufficient. We obviously did not anticipate that we will be facing this big a problem.

BUT, I didn’t compose this entry to rant (although it seems like I am). Spending more than a week here in the hospital and hearing the doctors comment on my dad’s “hopeless case” (as they call it) had made me realize how we all need to care for our health. Our country’s “system” is not too blame, but ourselves. It’s cliché but we all need to start living right. Maybe we should start by eating healthy and do a lot of walking? AND, try to avoid cigarette smoking if you don’t want to face the same terrible fate as my dad. Just a friendly reminder!

On a related note, my brother is getting married on Sunday in Bacolod City. Yes, we all agreed to go through with it even with our dad’s current situation, for practical reasons. It’s sad that our dad is not going to be there, and what’s even sadder is, our mom decided not to attend the wedding as well so she could be the one to watch over him here in Manila. My brother, who’s in Bacolod right now, is shocked by the news. I feel for him, but I also understand why Mama wants to stay. I guess she feels unfair that we’re all gonna be celebrating my brother tying the knot while my dad is lying in a hospital bed far away from all of us, unable to walk or even speak. I’m sensing a bittersweet wedding is about to take place.

This is by far the most difficult hurdle our family has to overcome. But God will see us through. We believe He will supply all our needs.

It’s time for “bed” now, except, watchers don’t get to sleep in beds here in the ward. Hee.

PS: Thanks to all my friends who came to visit my dad! It really means a lot. :)

On Trust and Love

Joni — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 08:37:40 +0000

Trust is a delicate thing. Once it gets broken, it’s so hard to put the pieces back together again. One representation is dining at a new restaurant for the first time with zero expectations. Once you discover that the food is bad, there’s a good chance you will never go back there again. They normally only get one opportunity to prove their worth.

I wonder, is it possible for a person to love another who is close to him or her, but not to trust anymore?

For instance, I love my Dad and would do anything for him. But I can never trust him with money again. There’s a long story behind this statement — don’t worry, I won’t bore you with it. Let’s just say that when Dad gets a hold of some cash, Dad deposits it straight into the Casino. And Dad can’t be stopped!

I also have this friend that I’ve known for six years. One time, he borrowed money from me and he promised to pay me back immediately. Now it’s two years later and every time I ask him about it, he tells me that I really don’t need the money so why am I pressuring him to pay up? Then a few months ago, he bugged me to lend him some cash again. He said he’ll just return it after two weeks. Of course I’ve already learned my lesson, so I told him no. I love that friend of mine and I still enjoy hanging out with him, but I will never trust him again. Especially since he has also done this to two of my friends.

These two scenarios just happened to involve “money”, but the catalysts for failing someone’s trust could be anything: infidelity in a relationship, dishonesty between a parent and a child, betrayal between friends, slandering at the work place to get ahead, spreading gossips at church or school, deceit by an establishment or company to cause consumers to believe what is false, fraudulent behavior of an agent toward a client, false hopes given by an employer to an employee, and more.

So going back to my question, is it possible for a person to love another who is close to him or her, but not to trust anymore? I think it is. I love so many people close to me but not all of them I can trust.

Weekend Snapshots #7: My Family

Joni — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 14:24:30 +0000

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I forgot to tell the waiter, who took this shot, to half-press first, thus the blur. ^_^

I spent the whole day today with my family. In the photo above are my parents, my brothers Jec and Jem, Sharon, Che-che, Deej, and me. This kind of gathering doesn’t happen everyday so I thought of preserving it using my camera and posting the photos here (plus, I really really want to update this blog because it’s a Saturday night and I got nothing else to do). We had lunch today at Pier One, Global City.

If you’re wondering where you can find those big stone dinosaurs, they’re standing right outside Pier One in Global City, Taguig. They remind me of The Land Before Time!

© Joni for TaintedSong, 2008. | Permalink | 9 comments | Leave a comment
Word count: 155 | Filed under: Books, Personal, Rants, Work-related